[Edit] Our dog(s) killed my cat, and I’m highly upset. I really really loved this cat . I’m upset. . I’m sorry Freddie, that I couldn’t save you…
February 12, 2008
I’m angry because this isn’t the first time, so my parents have decided to start getting rid of the dogs because we don’t know which one (if all) were involved. But I don’t know if they’ll actually do it…
Today just seems to be getting worse and worse as it goes on. This morning I was fine (I’ve been sick), and thought I’d be fine to work since I didn’t work Monday nor did I go to school, well, I was flat out wrong. I went into work, and my stomach (no I’m not pregnant, have to have sex first) was turning, and I got sick.
Well, I went to stand up for a few minutes, and I got really dizzy, and before I knew what was going on, the room was spinning. So I practically screamed, ‘I think I’m going to pass out,’ and ran to sit down (and just in time too). So I don’t know what’s going on with me, but the same thing happened last Friday too. I wasn’t sure if I’d make it home, but I did .
Anyway, I’m looking for a new Himalayan kitten near Indianapolis, Indiana to replace Freddie. I know he just died, but I need a kitty. Freddie was awesome because he only came to me, and he slept with me everynight. I would just call out to him, and he’d come… Freddie Betty, I miss you.
You may think he’s just a cat, but he isn’t. He’s so much more than that. I lost a friend today; I lost him.
I must say this before you read the entry, this is me; the real me. This how I feel day to day, some days worse than others, but please respect my wishes without ridicule. I get that enough, and I don’t need anymore. This is a serious matter, and I am sharing with you, the readers, what is going on below the surface and inside my head.
I feel like no one understands what I am feeling. My parents think it’s nothing, but how can it be nothing if I feel my world is crashing down around me? Everyday I’m alive is another day of misery and how much more can I take? I feel overwhelmed, with school because I always feel that I’ll never do or be good enough.
My mom used to call me stupid and I remember that.
I just want to die and be away from everything. My own family doesn’t know how to even be nice to each other, and it hurts. I wanted a birthday party with my family in the hopes of having one peaceful meal, but my fucking family can’t even do that because for one fucking night they can’t set aside their differences. Isn’t that what family is suppose to do for family?
My family has always been pitted against each other, and I just want it to stop. I’m tired of being made fun of about stupid petty jokes whom everyone thinks is funny except the person it’s directed at. Our we so cruel in this world? And do we really have to be?
Another thing, Jon is a nice guy, but who am I kidding? He deserves better than me. I’m so fucked up that sometimes I can’t even think straight. I do like him, but honestly, how can I be ready for a relationship when I can’t even accept myself and my life?
I’m so tired of feeling like I’m living a lie to please other people. Each day I feel like I lose a piece of who I really want to be. And I feel this pressure in my chest that makes it feel like my heart is breaking into tiny pieces that can’t be put back together.
Everyone always says that it’ll be alright or okay, but they don’t know how I feel. I cry as I write this because this is my life, my mere existence.
Everyone usually sees me laughing and joking around, but I’ve come to realize, it’s a front, a defense tactic I’m using to hide who I am. I’m confused, lost and don’t know where to go from here. The only reason I have not killed myself to this day or tried is because I can’t. I can’t go through with it.
Which is why when people always ask me how I think I’m going to die, I say a car crash. Because I’m hoping for that exact instant someone can end my life for me. I’m tired of everything at work, just for once are we incapable of being nice and doing our jobs?
I feel like I can’t breathe because I’m so overwhelmed. I feel like I’m suffocating. Everyone thinks it’ll be okay, but it’s not. It’ll never be okay.
Each day it gets harder and harder to get up and through the day. I just want to lie in bed and just stay there I die. I’m tired of living. I guess you could say I’m not really “living” but just another speed bump.
How did I get this way and why?
I cry; because I can’t remember what it’s like to be happy.