My Soul Yearns…

[Edit] I apologize if the site has been running slow for some, it seems that several wordpress plugins are to blame for that. Hopefully it is taken care of, and not part of a larger issue.

Someone would have thought I would’ve learned by now not to listen to my heart. The damn thing keeps wanting to tell me I’m in love. Yet, I’ve seen it so many times in the past and to have had doubts [each time] but still I thought my heart was right, thus is has always prevailed over any kind of logic my mind could come up with.

Now….is it different? I know what my heart says, and I know what my mind says, they are at war with each other, thus logic is prevailing in this, and my heart must be constrained and withheld from any declarations [right now].

What if I don’t? What if I don’t this time around? The problem is that this time I think is different…I don’t have any doubts, and that scares me, it terrifies me beyond belief. What are you doing, Megan? Why do you keep doing this? Why?

I would always try to see myself with that person, and thinking about every relationship I’ve been in, I’ve known that it wouldn’t go anywhere, and it hasn’t like predicted. But why now? After the hurt…the pain…so many conflicted emotions, why do you still believe in love?

Why haven’t you given up yet? Why haven’t you realized…there is no happiness for you?

Life….is good

Wow….I lied in the last entry and most importantly to myself about Dan, and not using the word, different, to describe him. For the record, after spending last night with Dan (meaning spent hanging out, not sex), I completely have a new level of respect, admiration, and something else I’m not ready to admit to myself or him just yet.

Basically, last night could’ve ended up with us having sex, and with that being said, Dan left it up to me, whether or not we did. I told him, I wanted too, but it wasn’t a good idea. He stated that he wouldn’t be upset, or think any differently of me regardless of what I said in response to the option too. I basically repeated what I told him before, and told him that I wanted too…but, in which he responded with, is there any doubt in your mind? Yes…of course there was. He told me that since there was a doubt, we wouldn’t because he had too much respect for me.  And he wanted to make sure that when we did, that I was 100% sure and that there wasn’t any doubt. =]

Following that conversation, I wasn’t sure what to say or do, needless to say, I thanked him for being different (which is where I said I would never use it to describe him from the previous entry), and for him being who he is. He started telling me stuff about how he felt about me, and how its been forever (since like 9th grade for him) since he’s really been this happy.

After him telling me all this stuff, I told him, I didn’t know what to say (and by this time I was crying). I told him it was happy tears (which I think he was a little scared and had some doubts that it wasn’t) , and I was happy he told me everything he did. We kind of locked eyes for a few moments, and he laughed a little bit. I looked at him, and asked him what he was laughing at. Very seriously he looked at me, and said, “The way you are looking at me…your eyes tell me something. I have an idea of what that is…”

I asked him what he thought it was, but didn’t really get a response. Thus, I am terrified after last night. I like him quite a bit, a lot actually, since he’s pretty freaking amazing (and this statement is not an understatement). But how does one respond to that kind of statement. I most certainly wasn’t really to make a avid claim of my love for me. I don’t even know if it is love (on which I have an opinion on this), I just know that Dan saw something…maybe how I was feeling about him at that moment or how I feel about him in general. I have no idea, and can’t even pretend to fathom what is going through his mind.

I know just despite everything with his ex-girlfriend, that his statement was true before about it having had ended awhile ago for him, and it was pretty evident while I was with him last night. He does the sweetest stuff too, like just walks up behind me and wraps his arms around me…and if we are laying down, every once in awhile he turns to me and kisses me on the cheek. =]… I tell you…he’s something else.

Die Hard

I really should learn to blog more, it helps me to get out what I want without going overboard and GAAAAHHH on someone ;). Anywho, I would like to take this time to plug my fanlisting for actor, Andy Whitfield. It’s my first site in complete CSS and divs (minus the header). I think it turned out quite well, and should work in all IE (as it was designed in IE6 and Chrome).

Moving away from that, if you noticed my title, Die Hard,  Alan-f**king-Rickman  plays the main bad guy in it (think Snape from Harry Potter), it goes back to when I was watching a movie yesterday (or was it two days ago? Damn you third shift *shakes fist*),  I saw him (didn’t realize he played in it), and I was pretty excited.

Me: OMG!
Dan: What?
Me: That’s Alan Rickman!
Dan: Who?
Me: Alan Rickman! Snape — Harry Potter? Alan-Fucking-Rickman! *drools*
Dan: *Weird Stare*
Me: He ages so well… *sigh*

Oh man…was I ever excited! Needless to say, about half way through the movie though (back with Bruce Willis still had hair…) I fell asleep. Yep…fell asleep. And woke up about 30 minutes later. Geez, stupid 3rd shift. By the way, back to the comment about Bruce Willis’ hair…he looks so much better now than he did before. Much more attractive. Rawr. 😉 And I think the last Die Hard was the best (Live Free or Die Hard). Such a badass movie, plus I mean, com’on, it has freaking Justin Long in it! Are you kidding me?! What’s not to love about it?

With all that out of the way now =D , Dan has finally ended his relationship (though a somewhat sad/bitter end), I know he was with her for at least two years, but knew her a lot longer than that. Needless to say, the night it ended, I spent that night with him (just hanging out as FRIENDS) and we talked most of the time, got something to eat, moved his stuff and watched a movie (Die Hard…where I fell asleep in the middle of the freaking movie) and just laid there for awhile.

Mind you we were in a hotel room (because he had been living with her). I am a little worried (we’ve grown very close in a short amount of time) about him even though he would never admit it (even though it’s so transparent). Pretty much did my damnest to make sure he kept a smile on his face Saturday/Sunday night/morning. I think I successed (at least I hope) until I left anyways.

Something else happened as well…we kissed. I know, I know! It should have never happened and I stopped it before anything else happened, told him I wouldn’t feel like the rebound girl and it was way to close for him and I to the end of his relationship (you think?!). And what did he do? He stopped…and apologized and said I was right. Wait…WHAT?! Wow…I’m seriously not used to that (sad, I know), a guy who stops when you tell him too and doesn’t try to pressure you…Still boggles my mind. Hard to believe, but it happened.

I wouldn’t say that Dan is different because I don’t know that, and I’ve used that word to describe every guy I’ve ever dated..

Me: Oh, He’s Different. (Patrick)
Me: Oh, He’s different! (Rob)
Me: I love him so much, he’s different. (Jordan)

Bullshit. I don’t know if Dan is “different” and I’m not going to use that word to describe him, ever. The thing I like the most about him, is how comfortable I am around him, and how he makes me smile just by looking at him.

I’ve said this before, that I’m dead to the world of love, and some part of that is true. While I value the time I spend with Dan, and the eventual relationship that we will enter, I still have doubts. Which are mostly on my part due to my past history of losers, cheaters & liars. With that being said I’m trying to take things super slow, not only for Dan but for myself as well to help myself adjust.

I guess given time…we will see.

Edit: So, I talked to Dan about this a little bit earlier regarding his relationship with his ex-girlfriend, and he made it clear the relationship ended for him awhile ago and he had already prepared himself for basically (almost) what happened that completely ended the relationship. With that being said, one of the people he works with is still friends with her on facebook and apparently she mentioned something on there about already having another guy lined up or something like that. Which is pretty bad, and I know it probably upsets him just a little bit, but he also made it clear he never wanted to talk to her ever again. So…I don’t know.

Since You’ve Been Gone…

Yes, I did just use a Kelly Clarkson song for my blog title.  A lot has happened in the past week days, and I mean a lot, first starting off with work. I had seen myself going up to an LPC (Lead Project Coordinator) position and that was basically as far as I was wanting to go with FedEx. There were a few problems though with me becoming an LPC at my store, probably because most of the positions posted were posted before I was eligible, which means I could technically apply, but I would not be able to move into the position until my six months were up. I mean…com’on, that’s a really, really really long time to wait for one position. Needless to say I have waited almost a year to be able to move up to that position, and with that being said, I have finally, achieved such said desire for the LPC. Starting October 17th, I will be a Lead Project Coordinator and be moving off of 3rd shift (thank god) and will be able to head back to 2nd shift.

Now before I go any further, I thought that 3rd shift would be the perfect position for me because I was a night owl. Nope…No…Completely wrong, I found out pretty freaking quickly that I was not a night owl. Granted, I stuck it out even after looking and interviewing for other jobs (and being offered a job with Apple). Which brings me back to my second shift position, I will basically be working 3-11 (which I’m usually used to working like 12-9:30, or something along those lines), which also means that I can go back to working out. FINALLY. After almost a year of wanting to head back into the gym to lose some weight, I can finally go back again. I usually work out straight after work then am up usually for a few hours before I head to bed.

Random tidbit… I am SO glad for the auto save feature in wordpress. Thank you.

Back to working out, I miss it, so much, I felt a lot better, had more energy, and I was, go, go, go. But I am glad everything is finally working out in my favor after my hell in Ohio. I can finally lose the weight again that I’ve been wanting to lose. Meep.  =]

Anyways, now onto my second important thing on this blog, and I should mention as I try to write this, my cat attempts such features as to lay on my laptop. Shoo kitty. Shoo. OH! My second important thing to talk about, Dan! I unfortunately cannot post anymore than this due to issues that could possibly arise; however, as soon as something is “official” then I will write to my hearts content!

I also went to Riley Festival (it will forever be known as, Riley Days, to me), and it was freaking fun, I had such a blast, but part of it was the company I was with, needless to say, walked around Riley Days for awhile, then eventually went to iHop and ate, then went back to Rachel’s house and played Mario Kart for the Nintendo 64, played Nazi Zombies, and eventually ended the night with a movie, From Paris with Love, featuring John Travolta, and Jonathan Rhys-Myers, which was an ok movie, nothing steller by any means.

I am exhausted, and really, really, really want to talk about a certain person, but I can’t and it makes me angry. Damn you Google for showing my site on the 6st page underneath my name. Damn you Google for showing my website name on the 1st page! *shakes fist*

Also, when did CSS3 become so popular and where the hell was I? Geeeez, I perfected quite a bit of html/divs/photoshop and now I must learn how to master CSS3 because it does what I want in photoshop without all those freaking images. I am also working on a fansite for Andy Whitfield (that was approved by the fanlistings.org), and it will be my first website created in entirely in divs and css3. Boo-yah. Still trying to grasp the concept, and I know I’ll get there eventually. Caio!

WoW

And I’m not talking about World of Warcraft either. I’m more along the lines of “Wow” for the last few days, and what has happened in them. All I can say is that the unexpected happened, and Dan & I are talking more on a personal level, since we talked last time. It’s a little nerve wrecking to say the least, but a  lot of good things may come from it. For example, I learned all about his girlfriend, and some of the details relating to his relationship to her, and why ultimately he wants it to end.

The best thing out of all this, is how much in a couple hours I’ve learned about him on a deeper level, to begin understanding who he really is, and so far it’s nice. Everything is without prejudice, and its something he even told me he’s not use too. But enough about him, lets try to move onto something else, say…the house we are building and how it’s almost done!  =].

I can’t wait, it’s going to be fantastic, and the game room will be extremely epic once completed. Oh, I bought Transformers: Dark of the Moon, and all I can say is wow…Optimus Prime has some serious kickass mojo going on in it. I wished they showed more of Bubblebee though, it would’ve been nice like they did in the first movie. If you buy it, you should buy the blu-ray version, as the colors are so much better on it.

I’m kind of sad as I haven’t played Call of Duty: Black Ops (or aka, Lag Ops) for awhile, (probably 4 days), that would have to be almost a record for me, usually I will at least play several games a day. And if you don’t, you should know that it’s a very good stress reliever in a big way. What better game to kill people without going to prison  =D. Needless to say, I’ll probably end up playing it tonight with my best friend, Rachel, and we’ll more than likely end up playing Zombies. I can’t wait, I love the Ascension map, it’s freaking badass, but we usually play the original map from World at War. Download it, I say! You will not be disappointed with the Zombie Map Pack!

Anywho, time to go put my clothes in the dryer. Catch ya guys later!