Hello old friend

Where do I even start? It’s been over two years since I actually blogged about anything in particular. A lot has happened….mostly with the fact that Dan lost his job, then found out he had a degenerative disk disease. He turned around and left me alone for several months to deal with my mom’s death on my own. I poured myself into getting things and decorating for Christmas.

Started a new job last September working for a company called Covance. Ended my relationship with Dan last fall as well (October/November).  Had two surgeries this year (tonsils and sinus). Was diagnosis with mild narcolepsy. Gone out on a couple of dates…nothing panned out. Sleeping mostly, trying to get through day to day. And now you’ve been caught up on my life.

The day that changed it all

May 25th, 2014
I got up that day, excited to be having pizza and was worried about my puppy because she had been limping really badly. I tried to call you several times, and there wasn’t any answer. I called dad instead to see if he had spoke with you, but he didn’t answer. He called back several hours later stating he was leaving work and that you were probably asleep. He said he was going to bring you down early to look at Anabelle’s back legs. Dad called me back at 1:57p, telling me that him and Mom wouldn’t be coming over. Mom had fallen and the ambulance was on the way. I should have gone down there, I should have knew there was something wrong when you didn’t answer.

I called everyone, to let them know what’s going on. Went up to the hospital and sat with you in the ER. You were in so much pain, and crying out for relief. You were having trouble breathing, and eventually they took you for tests. They discovered that you had broken 3 ribs and punctured a lung. They stated they weren’t capable to treating the kind of trauma that you had and wanted to transfer you. They wanted to intubate you, to keep your lung from collapsing completely (as it had partially already). They sedated you and gave you pain medication for the ribs before transporting you to IU Methodist.

Dad and I followed behind the ambulance, and we waited for more news. They ran more tests’ (x-ray’s, MRIs, etc) to see what the damage was. I’m sorry mom… I wish it could have been different. They kept you sedated because you wouldn’t be able to breath deeply enough on your own while in pain. We left and came back home, since there wasn’t anything that we could do.

May 26th, 2014
Dad and I went back up to the hospital, and were told there wasn’t any change. It wasn’t worse, but it wasn’t better. You were slightly awake, and could only answer yes or no question’s because of the tubes. We discussed with the hospital about your DNR order. They stated it was already too late for the intubation, and we discussed if your heart stopped, that was it. We didn’t think we’d have to ever use it, and i’m sorry. We left shortly, because they were keeping you sedated still and you were falling asleep.

May 27th, 2014
I had to work today. I volunteered before so that I could get July 3rd off instead. I should have told them I couldn’t work. Dad called me, early evening to let me know that he thought this was it, that you had seemed to be doing a little worse, but they were still optimistic, and were wanting to take you off the ventilator later this week. I should have gone to see you, and I’m sorry that I didn’t. It tears me up, realizing now that I only had one more day with you. I emailed my boss after talking with dad, to let them know what was going on. I asked dad if I should go up, but mom was sedated.

May 28th, 2014
I was sleeping when I got the call. Dad called me at 8:33am, and we talked for 3 minutes and 17 seconds. He told me that this was it, the machine was keeping you alive, and dad knew that wasn’t what you were wanting. Your oxygen was up to 60% on the ventilator, and it should have only been on 20-30% according to your doctor. Dad told me to go get Amber and Rylee, that today was the date.

I went over and woke Amber up, got her and Rylee dressed, and Amber called Nana and Papaw to let them know. Soon everyone knew that this was it. We rushed up to the hospital, to find out that there was blood in your urine, and that you had a fever; a possible infection. The hospital wanted to do more tests, and pull the tubes out, because they also found bruising on your lung. They wanted to put a trach in, and you shook your head no.

Doctor: We can put a trach in, to assist with her breathing.
You: *shakes head and mouths no*
Doctor: You realize if we take the tubes out, that you won’t be able to breathe on your own and that you will die, right?
You: *nods head*
Doctor: Is that what you want? For us to take you off the ventilator?
You: *nods head*

The doctor spoke with Dad again, letting him know that they want make you comfortable until it was time. We came up to the hospital quickly. They had already given you morphine and an anxiety medication, to help keep you calm when you were removed from the machine. We cried…a lot. We didn’t want this to be the end, it was too soon. Too unexpected. Dad was/is devastated that he had to make this choice. The chest tube was only pulling out blood, and they had shut it off. There wasn’t anything else they could do except make you comfortable and help ease it. We continue crying, you still know we are there. You know we love you… Dad says it’s time. I got the nurse, and he came in, telling us what to expect. He told us, that the anxiety medication will help keep you from getting worked up (because you can’t breathe and are choking on the phem that you are unable to cough up), and the morphine, so that you don’t feel the broken ribs. He said once the tube’s come out, it could be a matter of minutes, or days, weeks. He didn’t know. He said that you wouldn’t be able to get a deep breathe like you needed to function, and as your breathing decreased, your heart would start slowing down, and eventually your heart would stop.

The doctor came in, and pulled out the tubes. You gasped for air, and we cried…hard. This couldn’t be it. I had just seen you on Saturday, you had spent time with me and Rylee after we had gone to the zoo. You, dad, Rylee and I went out to dinner, and we were excited for pizza tomorrow. We watched you…we watched the monitor, as we saw your breathing go down, until it didn’t register on the machine.

The nurse came in, and turned it off, and we knew, that you had passed away, but you weren’t in pain anymore.

———–

It has felt like an eternity since you passed, even though it was only Wednesday. So much has happened in such a little amount of time. Amber and I lost you. Rylee lost you. Dad lost you. The world lost you. Everything was looking up, and I feel like it’s my fault. I should have gone down. Dad blames himself too. I try to tell them, that it isn’t his fault. He, or someone else could have been there, and it could have happened in a matter of seconds. Seconds that he was outside feeding the horses.

Dad is lost without you. He doesn’t know what to do. He’s gone from caring for you for 6 years, and having 2 jobs, to losing you, and going to one job. It isn’t fair that when everything was looking up, that this should happen, but haven’t we all learned the hard way, that life isn’t fair?

We are trying to get through, and we know that we’ll never stop missing you. Never stop having moments where it’s too unbearable. You were constantly in our lives, and then gone in an instant. I know that nothing can ever bring you back, nothing can ever take the pain away. I need Dad, as dad needs Amber and I. We are all that we have left, and we’ll make the most of it, and do some things that you’ve always wanted to do, but weren’t able too. We’ll share that love, that passion, and those memories for you.

Rest in Peace, Mom.
Marcella Y. Riffey
8/28/59 – 05/28/14

Changes to Come

There a lot of changes that are coming this way, including the ability to change themes in wordpress for the visitors, content and of course my blog.

I don’t want anyone to think that I’ve left because I’m still here! I have just been working extensively in the background trying to get everything together and all of the content updated and uploaded for visitors enjoyment. I have also added more past entries as well and am still working on getting the most revelant post collection of past entries from myself over several different websites into one central location (Web Archive). Check below for some upcoming themes!

yuna kelly tutorial

Back in ’09

I wrote the following back in May 2009, mainly for the fact I was annoyed with guys in general who kept feeling sorry for themselves. Now after dealing (and still dealing) with severe depression, I reread what I had wrote, realizing how inspiring it was. Thus, I thought I would share it with you, the readers. Severe Depression is serious and while not all people can simply “snap” out of it, it doesn’t mean that it’s the end. Understand that people who have dealt with the depression, know that its a constant battle. So without further ado, here is my note from facebook:

It seems like eternity ago, but in reality it was just an hour ago. I’m tired of people feeling sorry for themselves, and swearing there is nothing to live for. I’m tired of people saying if they don’t find a man or a woman by a certain age, they’ll end their lives or swear them off. I’m tired of boys, trying to act like men, who are suppose to be grown. I’m tired of people saying that I don’t understand, or they don’t want to talk about it. Well, let me tell you something.

I know what I’m talking about, and am completely aware of it. It took me years to even acknowledge the fact that I was suffering from severe depression, when my life hit rock bottom. I thought about killing myself every day, thought I’d be better off dead. Hoping if I ended my life, I wouldn’t have to feel the pain anymore. My health was gone, my happiness was gone…my life was gone. I lived to simply be an empty shell walking the earth.

I don’t know what happened, or how it even happened, but I snapped. I became weary of being depressed, and angry that I was depressed. I was mad at myself for letting myself, my mind and my body get to that point.

Life is worth living, it’s something to be proud of, to be happy and experience it. You may get dealt a really bad hand right after another, but that’s life. You can’t change it anymore than you can change the weather.

I want to be surrounded by people who want to live life, not destroy it, or get mad when I get too close to the truth. You can pout, and be upset as much as you want, but when everything is said and done, its still the truth.

There will be a man or a woman for you, whether it’s today, next month, or the next 5 years. You can be turned down, turn people down, but somewhere, deep within us, we never quit hoping for that one person, who completes us.

You may not feel emotions, or may be void of anything else, but all it takes is one person…one person who cares to make a difference. And if you can’t accept that help, then you never wanted to be saved in the first place, and I won’t feel pitty, remorse, or even angry, because you didn’t want someone to help you, to help make you realize, that life is worth living.

I have to live with the constant fear of slipping back into that depression, that I fought so hard to get out. My morale may be hit every once in awhile, but that’s life, you take it as it’s given to you. You, nor anyone else can bring me down, because I refuse to go down without a fight.

I would rather be alone for the rest of my life, then spending my life with someone who doesn’t appreciate it.

Continue reading Back in ’09

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It has been forever since I last blogged. I’m thinking about buying a domain again, probably under the same, soul-echo.com. What do you guys think? Surpass is having a special starting the 14th on hosting, so I was going to do that, and then just buy the domain name. Of course, it won’t be able to for awhile, and I’ll continue to use this one until the other one is fully complete or at least the majority of it is.

Moving on to real life….I’m 21, and it was probably one of the worst birthday’s ever. Nothing turned out as planned, and I learned something from one of my friends ON my birthday that makes me lose my trust for another friend. And what’s sad is that I know it’s probably true, and that’s what hurts. Half the people who were suppose to come to my under 21 party never showed or backed out, and the next night was suppose to be my 21 and over party, but that bombed. Everyone, including me was sick the entire-fucking-weekend.

What’s worse is that we had the snow-freaking-storm on the 28th, and Kentucky was hit the hardest with snow and ice. David was suppose to come up on the 1st, but he never made it, and it just seems I’m being let down or maybe my standards are set too high. I understand because of the weather and such, but I really hate his job, I mean really hate it. Some part of me on a conscious level understands that he warned me about his job and I knew this would happen, but I just hate it.

I wanna be held, wanna be kissed, wanna be romanced, and all by him. But I don’t know what to do, I hardly ever hear from him, maybe one a week if I’m lucky, and it hadn’t always been like it. I don’t know what to do, if I should just wait and see what happens, or what, but I know I can’t wait forever. And I know if I let him go and move on, that’ll I’ll forever regret that decision. I just don’t know….

I also have a brand new tv, it’s pretty nice, it’s a 46? Sony HD LCD. Simply amazing it is <3. School is overwhelming right now because it seems like my Creative Writing class is completely 24/7 no matter what and it requires constance internet time. Literally you have to check your email everyday and it's exhausting because there are so many assignments and they are so huge. I'm just hoping that I'll do all right, and I'm not really worried about my other class because I know I'm doing all right in there.

I’m still waiting for FedEx to hurry up and upgrade CS3 to CS4 so that I may buy the adobe suite from them for $10. Yes, 10! Includes InDesign, PhotoShop, Illustrator and some other programs. It’s just taking them forever considering how long CS4 has been out. I’m still old-school and still have CS2, but I’ll happily upgrade for 10 freaking bucks! =]

I started playing World of Warcraft, and haven’t caught on to what the big draw of the game is yet, but maybe because I’m not that far into it, maybe like a couple of Quests and such, I’m currently looking for the damn Moss. I can’t seem to find it anywhere, oh well, lol, I guess I’ll have to find a guide on Google! Anyways, I’m out.

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*swipes head* Wow, it’s been interesting since my last blog to say the least. I’m addicted to this new tv show called, The Legend of the Seeker, which is just incredible. I love it, the characters, the acting, the plot is just amazing!

I moved out again from my parents house, frankly I’m tired of being put down because of them. They have called me stupid, lazy & a disappointment one too many times. I’m not going to sit back and let someone demean me again. I vowed that I would never let that happen, especially my family. So while my parents were out, I called my grandmother and that day moved all of my stuff.

It only sucks because I have limited interest access, but it’s alright, I still have my BlackBerry to check the internet and my email. HA! Screw you internet! *looks around* Sorry, please don’t hate me! NOOOOOOO!

I haven’t talked to David in awhile and I get a text from my friend, Noel, yesterday asking what had happened between David and I and asked why we had broke up, and I was like what? So apparently someone had gotten on David’s myspace and sent one of my friends a message saying that she was pretty, and he wanted to talk to her.

She asked me about it, and I told her that it wasn’t anything to be worried about, because it was probably his brother. THEN I talked to David today, and he said he didn’t send the email and he didn’t think his brother did, but he’d check. David sounded kind of pissed off, because his brother has been dating his girlfriend for 4 years, and I know if David found out that his brother had sent that, hell would be paid.

And I’m so excited because……24 days till my birthday! Woot Woot! 21 baby! I invited David to come and I honestly hope he can, he said they were currently making the schedule, so he was going to tell me so he could try to get it off and he’d let me know! I’m so excited! Eeeeek!

So FedEx Kinko’s is kinda cool, it’s totally different so much stuff that needs to be learned. Also, I have two bosses, who can say that? I work between Castleton and Lawrence stores, and my boss at Lawrence is AWESOME, his name is Chris, freaking hilarious! Apparently he likes designing websites too, he went to school for Graphic Design. Check his site out! Anyways, I’m out! See you all later….well, I guess not really see, I’ll talk to you all later!

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Obviously I’ve been fairly busy these last couple weeks, with EVERYTHING. Looking for a new job, meeting an AMAZING guy, who’s just incredible beyond belief, beyond words!

Basically here’s what’s been going on this year (in a nutshell), July, my parents and I got into this huge argument, and I moved out. August, my mom had a stroke and I went on an LOA (Leave of Absence) and stayed at the hospital with her. September, I broke up with Patrick, which ended horribly if you could imagine. November, we find out something is wrong with my dad’s heart, and we’re not exactly sure what it is.

I joined eHarmony in September, and met one guy, who was a total loser. I never thought I’d ever actually meet someone that I really liked. Until David of course. He responded back to my guided communication, and then sent a reply for open communication. About a week past, and we pretty much stopped talking online altogether, until he called/texted me.

We have so much in common, it’s unreal, the only thing I’ve found that we stand different on, is politics, and the infamous Ford vs Chevy feud, other than that, most of our views are the same. He’s very intelligent, and very down-to-earth. He’s an ex-Marine, and works at a really good job (and he’s a college graduate). Seriously, he’s amazing! <3

We met in person a couple weeks ago, and the time seem to just fly by, we just talked, and talked for hours on end. He told his parents about me and they want to meet me, so obviously something went right. We always joke around, and he hates stereotypes. He said he’s been called a jock, prep, self-centered bastard, but he hardly seems like any of those. And he honestly believes the most important things in life, are memories, family, and love.

I also found a new job, so I can get the hell out of WAL*MART! Woot Woot! It’s with Fedex Office (formerly Fedex Kinko’s), and I’m super excited. The only downside is ironically, David works for UPS, so we’re working for our competitors . Life has been swell, and I’m seriously glad because the way the last few months have been, it’s about damn time. I sent David a couple texts’ and told him I would love to be in a relationship, and he said if I wanted to try the long distance relationship thing, we can (he lives in Kentucky and I live in Indiana).

I’m totally up for it, because honestly, he’s a very unique guy to say the least, and I would probably hate myself if I let him go, and I couldn’t do that especially with the severity of my depression all these years. It would be complete stupidity on my part.

I think….I think I might be falling for him. Hard and fast. On my myspace, I have this posted:

Someone who realizes what they have is already good.
Someone who I can talk to everyday and ALWAYS have something to talk about.
Someone who makes me feel good and know’s the exact words to say at the right moment.
Someone who gives me butterflies, makes me laugh and cares.
And a real man.

And as soon as I read it, I think of David. He know’s what he already has, and he loves it. We always have something to talk about, whether it be reindeer (lol) or about our lives, it never fails. He calls me beautiful, even if I don’t and probably don’t feel/look like it, and he can make me laugh. He gives me butterflies, every time I get a text, I check and I honestly hope every time it’s from him.

If it works out, and it ever came to be us getting engaged or married or anything, I would honestly say I’d probably move down with him (to Kentucky). He’s got so much going for him, it would be completely selfish of me to ask him to move, when he has a very good job because he wouldn’t honestly be able to find a job like the one he has. I don’t know, we’ll just have to see.

He wrote a blog on his myspace saying something that I don’t even understand, but I asked him about it, and he said it meant he was afraid to trust, but he wanted too. And that right there makes me like him even more because it takes a lot especially for a guy to say he’s afraid to trust. And I completely understand, because he’s been married (he’s only 23), and the way he was describing his ex-wife, she was basically a gold digger, and he even said he usually doesn’t have the greatest picks in women.

Oh, and I finally bought a new digital camera, since dipshit (Patrick) broke my last one. It’s a Canon PowerShot SD1100IS, and it’s amazing <3! I love it! I took some pictures, and I'll post them! Flickr <–Click for pictures!

I can’t wait till Circle Centre this weekend, but I’m sad that David is unable to go (because of his job). Boo. =[ Anyways, take care!